How to start a fight

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Gedreht, Dec 13, 2012.

  1. Gedreht

    Gedreht Just Another Hollow Point

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    HOW TO START A FIGHT

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
    we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _______________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
    lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
    downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
    garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
    into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
    anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
    stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started.......

    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
     
  2. chuckusaret

    chuckusaret Member

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    I really like the one about the reunion, it brings back a similar conversation that my wife and I had about my old high school girlfriend at my 50th class reunion.
     

  3. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    Funny stuff man...!!
     
  4. glock26USMC

    glock26USMC New Member Supporter

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    Made for a nice laugh this morning :)
     
  5. wmruss

    wmruss New Member

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    Still laughing'''
     
  6. Balota

    Balota Sometimes lucky! Supporter

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    Freakin' hilarious.
     
  7. Teddybear

    Teddybear New Member

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    Thats funny stuff right there.
     
  8. reload556

    reload556 Junior Member

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    so one christmas my dad got my mom a gift without me or my sisters help( we were impressed but not for long) so christmas morning comes around and were all sitting in the living room when dad hands mom his gift to her . so were all waiting to see what dad got her . when she opens her gift its a beautiful remington 700 in 308 so my mom looks a little comfused and she says to dad but i dont hunt . to which he replies well then can i borrow it tomorrow cause i want to go hunt in the morning . and thats how the fight began!lol
     
  9. Colt45

    Colt45 New Member

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    Damn, this is funny I don't care who you are! :D:D